It Happened!

June 9th, 2009. The best birthday yet. I'd had my suspicions that something may be going on, but had also the same suspicions in the past that turned out to be a let down. The day before I went out and bought three pregnancy tests, planning to test the next day on my birthday. Brett was off camping and I really wanted to be able to surprise him with good news (or keep the bad news to myself if that were the case as it had been so many times in the past). I woke on my birthday at 5:30am really needing to pee (good sign!) so I hurriedly pulled open the test and did my thing. Not taking my eyes off of it, the control line appeared first as the test developed and then I saw what I'd been praying to see for the past year...the second little pink line. It was really there and had popped up almost immediately. I picked it up and looked at myself in the mirror - "I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant!" I was in partial shock, but there was also a sense of confirmation. Mainly, at that point and since, I felt so ecstatic and so much relief. It finally happened and when it was least expected! After all the testing, charting, fertility treatments, medications, lifestyle changes, heartache, hopelessness and helplessness, nature took its course. We had taken a step back from the treatments, which was a very tough step for me to take, and it finally happened for us the good old fashioned way.

People kept telling me "all I needed to do" was relax, but that wasn't as simple as they seemed to believe. It was tough to relax after all we'd been dealing with - the death of a son (and thereby, the death of a dream), the diagnosis and treatment of a fertility issue (barrage of testing, inseminations, ultrasounds, etc.), the constant daily reminders of what we'd lost (baby furniture staying put in the garage, the guest room operating as such rather than the nursery we'd been planning out, being around babies near to our son's age and seeing their growth, pregnant women seemingly everywhere, and on and on), the question of whether we'd ever be able to conceive (and if so, how likely it was that we'd need medical assistance to do so), and overwhelmingly, the fact that our lives were still basically the same. The huge change we'd been planning for and so immensely welcoming never panned out. We were thrown right back into the old routines that we had been so readily willing to leave behind. The holes that were left behind from previous thoughts of our baby's birth and our lives as a family were quickly filled with those of grief, sadness and loneliness that were very difficult to shake. None of this was a formula consistent with relaxing. The solution for me actually turned out to be hitting rock bottom. Relaxing wasn't a choice I could consciously make before this point - I had to be forced into a position where that could start to occur. Reluctantly but with no other options, I stopped the treatments, charting, etc and was able to shift my focus a bit. I worried that we might be wasting time not being so proactive about things, but it was what we had to do for the time being. Amazingly, it worked and I am deeply appreciative that it did.

Brett came home that evening, so all day I kept the secret bottled up inside me even as family and friends called to wish me a happy birthday. After hours of that torture, I was finally able to show him the test and share the wonderful news. We immediately spread the word. We are both more than willing to be on this path again and have the hope restored. Every day is cherished and we are very aware of the blessing we have at the moment. We hope this little one stays with us and one day comes home healthy and alive in our arms.